he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
