I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
