i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I just want to make out with him forever
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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