please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
