You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
