Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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