I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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