Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
