She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Pooping to opera.
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