So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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