You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
