turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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