I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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