all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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