Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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