We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
