Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Randomize
