this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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