i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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