The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
