when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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