i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
