I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
