i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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