I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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