Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
