I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
