I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
