hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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