i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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