She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
