so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
