i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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