Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
