Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
