WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So many bounce houses so little time
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
