If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
i've created a new STD.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
