im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
