What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
3 2 1 whiskey
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
