I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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