Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
