do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
