fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
