If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
