there's paper in my vomit.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
