How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
the condom got lost in my hair
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
