8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
