3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
