he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Shame - the story of my life.
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