I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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