....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
