So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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