You were right. It hurts to walk today.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
