I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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