I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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