if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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