i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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